Word Search   (2017Jan09)


Monday, January 09, 2017                                                4:21 PM

Over the past year or more I’ve been in a fruitless search for the perfect word or phrase, le mot juste, that would encapsulate the cesspool of objectionable characteristics that is Trump—but I have failed completely. He is disgusting in so many facets that even a paragraph can’t come close to cataloging the entirety of the reek off of him.

Briefly, I considered ‘Ape’, but I didn’t want to give him the honor of sharing what Abraham Lincoln’s critics called him—and besides, they called Lincoln as ugly as an ape—I would be using it, rather, to describe the character, the mental processes, of Trump. But even then, I would be doing a disservice to apes—who, if we can believe Jane Goodall, have far more humanity than the Trumps do. It is a shame though—his hair-color matches an orangutan’s so perfectly—but why should I hurt the orangutans’ feelings?

I liked Trumpster Fire—very witty, and damned close to perfect, since it suggests an entire dumpster full of various kinds of trash on fire. But still, it doesn’t capture the revulsion Trump inspires. Tiny-hands Trump is nice—because we must never forget that the most important response to Trump is laughter. Now that we know he is bereft of decency, we shouldn’t give him he satisfaction of knowing how horrified we are, whenever he speaks—we should stick to straight laughter—that’s what he started with, and he hasn’t done anything to change that.

Yeah, he won the Electoral College by negative-three-million—which is a lot of support—but you have to put that in perspective. We now have an opioid-addiction crisis in this country, with hundreds of thousands of addicts, and tens of thousands of deaths-by-overdose every year—making opioid-addiction our newest addition to the list of ‘leading causes of death’. So if you want to talk about the judgment of the American people, I think you’re in the wrong decade.

Drumpf is tempting—damn, that’s an ugly Old-Country original-family-name for the Trumps—but it’s a little too silly and playful, and I wouldn’t want anyone to think of Trump as some cute lil Napoleon—he’s a full-on Hitler wannabe and it would behoove all of us to never forget that fact. Pussy-Grabber used to be a front-runner, but now it just makes me sad, remembering that he said that, out loud, on every TV—and people still voted for the cretin—so now it sounds more like the death-knell of sanity—President Pussy-Grabber.

People have had this problem for centuries—someone is such a blot on society that everyday words won’t do—we try cretin, fathead, lamebrain, lightweight, loon, despoiler, hoodlum, looter, defacer, dirty, indictable, iniquitous, nefarious, hustler, culprit, bad actor, charlatan, con artist, crook, hypocrite, swindler, chiseler—there are so many words that might apply, but don’t encompass the full chamber-pot that is the prez-elect.

I think I need a meta-word. Or maybe I’m just rushing things. In the not-so-distant future there will be a perfect cliché for what I’m trying to say—and everyone will know what I mean, whenever I say: “Hey, don’t be so ‘trump’, man.”

Maybe you can help, kind reader—I need a word that suggests the malodorous rot at the center of a lost soul, the icy emptiness of an arctic waste, the chaos of a prison gang-rape, and the precious mincing of a self-loving, entitled brat. Please add your suggestions in the comments below:


Won It By Minus-Three-Million   (2017Jan04)


Wednesday, January 04, 2017                                          1:47 PM

Although President-elect Fuckface von Clownstick has won the election by negative-three-million votes, I continue to cherish these last days of Obama’s term. While the disgraceful pervert has yet to be inaugurated, America is still being led by a great man—a man everyone respects—and we can still take pride in our nation.

I know a lot of people want to go along and get along—but the chain is broken. ‘Coming together’ over the victor of any election always seemed inevitable before—but when the disreputable huckster who emerged victorious from this election is a lying, cheating, sexist, racist, ignorant puss-bag who more properly belongs in prison—well, then, ‘coming together’ would amount to divesting myself of any ethical decency, any humane empathy, and any knowledge of the difference between right and wrong.


I don’t plan to break the law—or even disturb the peace—what would be the point? But don’t ask me to feel like a proud, patriotic American again until after that horrendous mess has been cleaned out of the Executive Mansion in 2020. Not that I expect voters to grow an ounce of brains by then—but the Trumpster-fire is special. We have to cede him that much—the GOP will never find anything as creepy, cold, and slimy as the Donald to run in 2020—such excrescence only comes once in a generation.

I shan’t escape him, however—I have no hope of that. The craven whores who run such things will be rolling out red carpets for this clown, letting his Electoral-college/Russian-meddling technical-win be a huge eraser for every ugly, stupid, dishonest, ignorant thing he’s done or said over this past year’s time. They’ll even pretend his history of real estate chicanery and bankruptcy never really happened either. They’ll give this jerk all the respect and dignified attention that people like Obama, Bush, and Clinton earned—just because he snaked his way, through an election-made-game-show, into the same office.


We’ve never had such a low, small, self-regarding pest get anywhere near the presidency before. An honest media would be harping upon the unique, end-of-an-era, end-of-a-dream aspect of his ‘coup’ over reason. But not these shills—they’ll just go on gassing the audience, pretending that Trump has the respectability one normally associates with a President of the United States.

I can avoid the news shows—and certainly the news channels—but there’s no getting around the late-night monologues and comedy stand-up that attends our every political hiccup nowadays—so I’m still going to have this jackass’s leer on my TV more often than I would wish. With any luck, he’ll be revealed as the laughingstock he is, as promptly as possible—and all the clodhoppers who thought they accomplished something by voting for him can crawl back in their holes.