If The President Should Phone (2017Oct21)


Saturday, October 21, 2017                                              2:21 PM

First off, there’s the question of whether a good American can speak to Trump without getting themselves put on the Secret Service’s watch-list—but if you should pick up the phone—what would you say? I’ve tried to imagine it. But I don’t believe I could carry on a civil conversation—I would launch directly into my lecture.

Does that seem pushy? Well, let’s see—he’s had two years of having his every twitter-fart put on the front page of every paper—every time he opens his mouth, there are fifty cameras and 100 mics focused on his fat phiz. Even if he were a thoughtful, educated speaker—it’s still time for someone else to get a turn talking—don’t you think? Anyway:

“Hello, Mr. President! Would you please resign your office as soon as you possibly can? You are not on television! Yes, other people are putting you on TV—but that’s because you’re the president. You don’t work for the entertainment business anymore—just let them do their work—and you try to do yours.

I know, I know—they’re all paying attention to you. But your hair is on fire, Mr. President—in a manner of speaking—people are not shouting and pointing at you because they like you—I’m sorry. It just doesn’t work like that. (You have to be nice for people to like you—never mind—we’ll talk about that some other time.)

It’s sad that you’re not really touchy-feely—it would be an enormous boon to a president. We get that you have no idea how to console a grieving gold-star family member—that shit is hard—and you have no military experience. It would have been better if you’d run for head Warden of prisons—you coulda fired a bunch of those non-violent drug-offenders—send’em right out the door of all those penitentiaries—whotta show, man. You screwed up.

What do you know about being president? Nothing. And these last nine months haven’t been a learning experience for you at all—they’ve just been nine months of proof that you were unprepared and unfit for the most solemn and sacred duty any American can possibly perform. How you could go from spoiled rich kid to lecherous old dude, without learning a thing—that’s a mystery.

But, still, if you resign right now, you can end the suffering—let America go back to being run by the competent crooks. And hey, just think, you can go back to being paid to be on TV. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

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